I walked into the room, introduced myself, but she immediately looked at me with disgust. It unsettled me because I knew I would be living there for the next four years. I wanted to be on good terms with everyone, especially my bunkmate. Instead, she seemed repulsed by the mere sight of me, and that worried me deeply. She was a third-year student and one of the most beautiful girls on campus. She was always impeccably dressed, effortlessly elegant, and carried herself with femininity wherever she went. I admired her from a distance while i was in the temporal accommodation but as reality dawned on me that we would share a room together long term, I accepted that she didn’t like me or want anything to do with me, so I kept my distance.
It was my first year of university, and I was placed in a room with three other ladies, making us four altogether. The room had two bunk beds, so it was typical for you to be paired with someone to share a bunk. My own bunkmate never liked me. Her hostility kept me on edge because I was constantly asking myself, Where did I go wrong? How did I offend her? Did I do something? But we had only just met. There was no way I could have done anything to earn a place on her bad side. Those were my thoughts about my bunkmate and i.
We kept at it for a while until one faithful day when a roommate asked me out of the blue, “When’s your birthday?” We were getting to know each other better, so I answered casually. The moment I told her my date of birth, my bunkmate got up from the chair and looked at me strangely. “Are you sure that’s your birthday?” she asked. “Because that’s my birthday too.” She genuinely thought I was trying to pull a prank on everyone or claim her birthday as mine. Considering how much she already disliked me, she was ready to pick a fight over the fact that we happened to share the same birthday. After asking more than once if I was certain of what i just said, she smiled and said, “Then we’re birthday mates. I was born on the same day and month.” That unexpected coincidence became the first crack in the wall between us. I could tell from the look on her face that the hostility had begun to fade, and from that day on, our relationship became much more manageable.
One sunny afternoon, after I returned from lectures, this same lady called me over, asked me to sit down, and said, “Do you know why I don’t like you?” “No,” I replied. “I don’t like you because you don’t know how to dress.” Those were her exact words. My face dropped. Instead of getting defensive, I found myself pouring my heart out, almost as though I had been waiting my whole life for someone to comment on my appearance.
“You have to understand,” I said, “I grew up in a home where nobody taught me these things. Nobody showed me how to be feminine, and I never learned how to put an outfit together.” The truth was, I knew almost nothing about colour coordination, flattering fits, accessories, fragrance, grooming, or personal style. I had grown up believing that clothes were simply something you wore before leaving the house. I had no idea there was an entire world built around presentation, fashion, femininity, hair, makeup, and the quiet confidence they can help cultivate. My life had been centred on survival, self suppression, and putting everyone else first. Unlike many students arriving at university with bags full of new clothes, I never went back-to-school shopping. I came with the few old clothes I already owned and a handful of shoes. So when she told me that my appearance was the reason she had taken such a dislike to me, I couldn’t honestly say she was wrong.
She took a deep breath before saying something I never expected.
“I’ll teach you.”
Let her Cook
- Don’t wear stripes on both your top and your bottom. If your top is striped, keep your trousers or skirt plain, and vice versa.
- Balance fitted and loose pieces. If you’re wearing a fitted top, pair it with a looser skirt or pair of trousers. Likewise, if your skirt or trousers are fitted, wear a looser top.
- If you’re wearing an inexpensive outfit, balance it with something that looks more polished or better quality. Don’t wear inexpensive pieces from head to toe if you can help it. Mixing pieces creates a more put-together look.
- If you can’t afford to own lots of shoes, invest in a good pair of flat shoes and a nice pair of flat sneakers in neutral colours. They go with almost everything and will take you a long way.
These are some of the fashion lessons she gave me about dressing and coordinating outfits, and I still go by them to this day. Even though fashion has evolved and become much more diverse and expressive, I have never let go of these lessons because I believe they shaped me. I have carried them with me everywhere I go. After that conversation, she helped me with a few new pieces of clothing to get me started, and I picked it up from there.
It’s Time to Unlearn and Relearn
While growing up as the scapegoat child, you may eventually realise that you missed out on some of life’s most basic lessons. In fact, you might not even recognise those gaps until much later in adulthood when its been pointed out by another person. As the years pass, it becomes painfully clear that certain skills were never taught to you. Instead, you were conditioned to serve others, remain timid, suppress your personality, and prioritise everyone else’s needs above your own. You spent your formative years in survival mode rather than in self-discovery.
During this stage of your journey, you may not be able to figure everything out on your own. But the most important thing to remember is that, you will meet people and encounter things along the way that will help shape you. They may not always come as friends, and they may not remain in your life for long. However, they will leave something behind: a lesson, a perspective, a piece of wisdom and you will continue to build upon what they gave you. When their purpose in your life is complete, they will move on. Their presence may not always come in the nicest form. Not everyone you meet owes you kindness. The people who were meant to show you kindness first were your bloodline, and everyone else in the world simply responds to you in whatever way they choose.
Beyond human connections, these teachers may take many other forms. They may come through books, news articles, music, animals, mindfulness, quotes, experiences, observations, biographies, and countless other forms. Life has many ways of teaching us, if we remain open to learning.
You will meet people who awaken you to new ways of seeing the world. They will teach you lessons that no classroom could ever provide. Some will arrive through difficult experiences, while others will come with kindness and warmth. Some will love you for a season, while others will love you for a reason. Overall, Others may come like a thief in the night.
Very soon, you will be Fond of May!